Communication Styles, Relationship Patterns, and the Four Horsemen
Every relationship—whether romantic, familial, or professional—is shaped by the way we communicate. Communication is more than the words we use; it is tone, timing, body language, and the patterns we fall into over time. As a therapist, one of the first things I do is look for these patterns. They often reveal where breakdowns happen and why conflicts seem to repeat themselves.
Finding Patterns
People tend to communicate in cycles. Some patterns promote connection—like open listening, curiosity, and repair attempts. Others create distance—like defensiveness, shutting down, or criticism. By slowing things down in session, I can help couples and individuals see these patterns more clearly. Awareness is the first step toward creating new ways of relating that foster connection instead of conflict.
The Four Horsemen in Relationships
Dr. John Gottman identified four destructive communication styles that can creep into any relationship. They are often referred to as the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse":
Criticism – Attacking the other person’s character instead of focusing on behavior.
Contempt – Expressing disrespect or superiority through sarcasm, mockery, or eye-rolling.
Defensiveness – Shifting blame or refusing to take responsibility, which escalates conflict.
Stonewalling – Shutting down, withdrawing, or emotionally checking out during conflict.
These communication habits build walls instead of bridges. Over time, they create barriers to intimacy, trust, and understanding. Even the healthiest relationships can fall into these traps if stress, unmet needs, or unresolved issues are present.
Breaking Down the Barriers
The good news is that the Four Horsemen are not destiny. When we learn to recognize them in ourselves and our partners, we can replace them with healthier alternatives:
Criticism → **Gentle Startups**
Contempt → **Respect and Appreciation**
Defensiveness → **Taking Responsibility**
Stonewalling → **Self-Soothing and Re-Engaging**
The goal is not perfection—it’s awareness and consistent effort. Small changes in how we communicate can open the door to deeper intimacy, mutual respect, and a stronger bond.
If you’ve noticed these patterns in your relationship—or if you feel stuck in repetitive cycles of conflict—you don’t have to navigate it alone. My role is to help you uncover the patterns, build healthier communication habits, and move past the barriers that keep you disconnected.
If you’re ready to invest in your relationship, reach out today to schedule a session.